Getting to contribute to big publications is such an honor. Recently, I was able to add some of my thoughts to an article that was published on Vogue.com.

The article was on stonewalling in relationships, and I had a lot to say about it. Check out my thoughts on stonewalling below, and read Christina Perez’s Vogue article:

What to Know About Stonewalling, the Silent Relationship Killer

Signs of Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a defense mechanism that occurs when one person in a conflict opts to end communication altogether. Stonewalling can look like shutting down, checking out, withdrawing, spacing out, or busying oneself with work or other tasks, all in an effort to avoid the conflict at hand.

Is Stonewalling Intentional? 

People generally stonewall as a way to avoid the intensity of the conflict. When someone is flooded with a racing heartbeat, adrenaline that gets released, or sweaty palms that can accompany conflict, their internal experience can be overwhelming in ways that are incredibly challenging to cope with. In cases like this, or when someone struggles with conflict resolution, the stonewalling is not intentional, it is simply the most accessible tool in their toolkit.

Additionally, when individuals have an avoidant attachment style, stonewalling is a common coping strategy that allows them the space to disengage and process their thoughts and feelings internally while simultaneously avoiding the confrontation of the disagreement.

Alternatively, stonewalling can also be used intentionally, as a passive-aggressive attempt to gain control in the relationship. By shutting down communication, the stonewaller prevents any further threat.

The Fallout of Stonewalling

According to John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in the world of couples therapy, stonewalling is “one of the four horsemen” that leads to relationships failing. It’s a toxin in relationships because it shuts down the very thing that healthy relationships need to thrive: communication. For stonewallers, checking out can feel like a reprieve from the onslaught of criticism from one’s partner, or a temporary break from having to navigate challenging conversations and the body sensations or emotions that accompany them. But when those disagreements are never resolved, when the repair that is necessary to move forward clearly and healthily never occurs, both the relationship and the individuals in the relationship suffer.

For the person on the receiving end, there can be frustration and the feeling of being shut down by your partner. Feeling unseen, unheard, alienated, and ignored are all painful and common experiences for those who have been stonewalled.

Hope for Stonewallers

It is entirely possible to change the behavior, through developing new skill sets and with concerted effort and support.

Some strategies for coping with being the stonewaller include self-awareness so that you recognize your tendency to check-out, and begin to understand why you adapted that particular coping skill in the first place.

Additionally, learning to pay attention to what is happening inside your body and mind when you are triggered is important to better understand your panic or overwhelm.

Next, being able to articulate to your partner when you are feeling flooded is crucial. Taking a break to calm yourself down is another helpful strategy. The break can be anywhere from five minutes to several hours but should be mutually agreed upon between both partners. During that time, breathing exercises, walking, exercise, quiet self-reflection, and journaling can all be ways to process your experience and self-soothe before returning to the conversation with your partner.

If you have a partner who stonewalls, knowing that they are using this as a strategy because they’re overwhelmed can help to engender some compassion for them. Having conversations about what each of you needs when you find yourselves in a disagreement can help set expectations for future conflicts.

When Stonewalling is Abuse

Stonewalling becomes abusive when it is someone’s main coping strategy, when there is no accountability or self-reflection by the stonewaller, when conflicts never get resolved, or when healthy communication is no longer taking place.

If a stonewaller is unwilling to look at their role or how their behavior is hurting the relationship, the person on the receiving end (the stonewallee?) may need to reevaluate the relationship completely. It is very likely, at that point, that the stonewalling has become abusive and is creating dysfunction in the relationship.