Toxic Mothers & People-Pleasing

For so many women, people-pleasing started out as parent-pleasing. Toxic mothers fundamentally change how we show up in our relationships. Our mothers are our main role models, and they’re people who represent our strongest connections when we are young. Staying connected to them means staying safe.

As children in an overwhelming world, we were fully dependent on them and pretty helpless without them. Staying on mom’s good side was crucial.

But what about when mom is volatile? Addicted? Riddled with fear or anxiety? Neglectful? Shaming?

While most mothers are basically loving, yet flawed people, some mothers are toxic.

What’s a Toxic Mother?

A toxic mother is someone who prioritizes her own needs over the needs of her children consistently and without regard for how her children are impacted.

Some signs that someone has a toxic mother include:

  • moms who exhibit any sort of abusive or neglectful behavior toward their children
  • verbal, physical or emotional abuse
  • a lack of self-awareness and empathy
  • manipulation and exploitation
  • a lack of boundaries

Mothers who are self-absorbed or have narcissistic tendencies can be dismissive or devaluing toward their kids. This can include mothers who tend to minimize the experiences of their kids. When your mother was a narcissist, you likely learned that keeping her happy was the most important thing. It meant staying safe and connected. Because you focused all of your energy on her, you weren’t able to cultivate self-awareness and get to know what you liked or who you were – you were too busy focusing on her! 

Toxic mothers can also come in the form of entitled moms, who feel that they deserve a certain loyalty, freedom, or degree of respect regardless of their behavior. When your mother was entitled you fell in line with whatever her expectations were. Chances are, you’re a “good girl,” trying to live up to mom’s expectations of who you’re supposed to be. You may do this in your romantic relationships as well, and may have sought out a partner who is also entitled. 

Enmeshment is another possible factor in a toxic mom. When a mother is so close to her child that it prevents the child from discovering their own interests, desires or autonomy, the relationship becomes toxic. Growing up with a mom who’s enmeshed can lead you to feel that it’s not okay to set boundaries for yourself. Perhaps you even feel that setting a boundary is cruel or a rejection of someone else… 

Because our mothers are often our main caregivers, and the people who teach children their first and often biggest lessons about interpersonal relationships, the dangers of having a toxic mom are many. When we grow up with a toxic mom, and we’re forming our “template” for how relationships work, what they teach us often stays with us for a lifetime. In adulthood, it can lead us to seek out dysfunctional romantic partners, bosses/leaders, and friends. It can cause us to accept unhealthy behavior from others since this became our “norm” from birth.

A typical toxic mom has experienced a traumatic upbringing yet she hasn’t processed the impact of her early experiences, which results in a reenactment of the trauma.

Things Toxic Mothers Say

“I don’t care what you want.”

“I’ll give you something to cry about!”

“Children should be seen but not heard.”

“You’re selfish. You don’t care about anyone but yourself!”

“Stop crying.”

Things Toxic Mothers Don’t Say

“How are you feeling, emotionally?”

“What do you want or need?”

“I admire you.”

“I feel lucky to be your mom.”

“I’m sorry.”

What to do if you have a toxic mother

When someone realizes that they have a toxic mother, one of the best things to do is seek out a licensed psychotherapist who can support them to unpack the deep roots of pain, hurt, or betrayal from their relationship with their mom.

A good therapist will help you process the underlying emotions that go along with not having your emotional needs met as a child. They will also be able to offer you the validation and affirmation that your mother could not. 

This work is often referred to as “healing the mother wound.”

Deciding how you want to move forward in your relationship with your mother can also be helpful to talk through with a therapist. The way that you choose to communicate with your mother may change as you come to understand what she is (and is not) able or willing to offer you in your relationship with her. 

Additionally, you might choose to seek out healthy relationships with other women. i have found that intergenerational friendships with women can be healing and provide some of the nurturance, guidance and support that sometimes, mothers can not. I’ve found that having a circle of women in your life that you can rely on can be a boon for your sense of well-being. 

Get started with my upcoming small groups for women. Learn more and sign up here. 

 

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